Page 547 - Demo

Post-Pandemic541I had known for years that a part of my subconscious was stuck in childhood. That was when I%u2019d felt the most alone, abandoned, and unloved by my parents. It was a time when I had begun to sense their disappointment in me. While I usually couldn%u2019t communicate with my inner self, Lynn sometimes could, and we both knew I needed to resolve all those childhood issues and bring that young part of me into the present. This crisis was a big part of that process.The repeating dreams represented my trying to re-write my past. Over and over I was trying to change something that couldn%u2019t be changed. That child inside me was still trying to figure out what he could do differently that would change my parents%u2019 behavior. The answer was nothing. I could keep trying to do something again, and again, and again, but the past simply could not be altered. The shaking of the chills was my body trying to shake off that past. And the stain left on the mattress cover from sweating was reminiscent of the bed-wetting stains of my childhood. The conflict between trying to change the past and trying to shake it off was a big part of the tension, which was causing the headaches, which was causing the sleeplessness. On the morning we put it all together into a coherent narrative, and as I was starting to feel a little better, Lynn was able to get a message from that part of my subconscious that was stuck as a child. In the past he would often say something simplistic like, %u201cMy mother hates me.%u201d Now his words surprised us both. They were a very rational, %u201cI understand that my parents were hurting people, and there wasn%u2019t anything I could change about myself that would alter their behavior.%u201d With that, we knew I would be doing better. Both in the short term, and the long term.During my nine days of crisis, I certainly ate less, but was far to weak to exercise. The result was a loss of 3 pounds, which was really too much weight to shed in a week%u2019s time. So, over the next few days I ate more regular meals in order to build my strength up. Then two weeks after I%u2019d stopped riding, I got on my bike again, and cut down on eating once more, but less severely this time. By the time I reached the six-week milestone, I had lost the 12 pounds I%u2019d hoped to lose, and my weight was down to 150. Although my belly wasn%u2019t gone completely, it was greatly diminished, and I had to do some extra cinching of my belt to keep my